two vampire guys, a fangirl and a pizza place
by Alextheweaselboy
Summary: as the name applies, an obsessed fangirl and two hapless vampires, a bucketful of crazy and a quaint little pizza shop. Edward and the rest of forks got run over by a truck, so dont expect them to pay us a visit. a bit of a parody
1. In The Cold, Cold Night

my first fic!

_very_, _very _loosely related to twilight, and only so that this counts as a fanfic. i've tried getting onto ficpress but I use the school computers and the site's banned.

takes place in an alternate universe where bella, edward, jacob and the rest of the gang all got run over by ''this truck, with claws, and a fire, that goes faster than a vampire, that is totally made out of werewolves, and it speeds along and scoops the vampires up like road kill with an egg flip, and tosses them into the fire so that they burn and die''. the only characters that have anything to do with twilight are Edward's long lost brothers (or are they evil twins?).

**disclaimer:** none of the characters are mine since this is a twilight fanfic,

**crazy idea: **but i think stephanie meyer, anne rice and bram stoker should be put in this great big arena and fight to the death for the creative rights of all vampires everywhere. It would be fun, and make things much simpler.

I hope you all enjoy this, despite the lack of edward.

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Two vampire guys, a fangirl and a pizza place

Chastity pushed open the door, letting in the sound of pouring rain from outside. She stepped inside and stood panting as water dripped from her ponytail onto the red and black checker floor. Chastity had never been to this side of town before, the dodgy end but the cold and the wet had her running through the rain looking for safe haven.

She had found that haven under a dimly light red P-I-Z-Z-A could call a taxi here, it was getting late and the rain didn't look like it would end any time soon but hunger came first, the pizza place was a city crammed with hapless people and she was Godzilla!

A guy was standing behind the counter, faux stone with a pizza oven to match. He looked about the same age as her; a hand slumped across his cheek, an expression of terminal boredom glued to his face and bubble gum blue hair like greasy wolf fur.

She made her way up to the counter and looked down at him, not because she was some kind of snob, not because he was short but because Chastity was freakishly tall for a girl. Along with her name this had always been something she'd been conscious about, but right now the only thing on her mind was a thick, greasy wedge of three cheese's, extra pickled onion, banana and pepperoni pizza. The wet and the hunger and the miserablness had created in her a puppy face so genuine that it would put a starving Ethiopian orphan to shame. She drew her hands together on the counter and said down to the greasy blue wolf fur guy "Pleeze, pleeze, pleeze can I have an extra large pepperoni pizza!"

"Nope" he said apathetically

He had been staring at the counter the whole time; he didn't even turn to look at her.

Her Godzilla had vanished, replaced by a kicked puppy, but nevertheless she carried on, she'd just order something else. "How about a vegetarian tofu-burger pizza?" she asked.

"No" he said once again.

Chastity was getting agitated. "What about a seafood anchovy, squid and pineapple pizza?"

"Na-oh" he said and it was third times the charm.

She began to twitch and seethe with silent fury, her hands now clawing at the counter. "do you have any kind of pizza here? _Any kind of food at all?_" a manic edged had crept into her voice.

"Nooh" he said yet again.

Aaaaaagh! She thought, I'm damp and hungry and this greasy blue headed monkey Wont Give Me Any Pizza! Screw him; I'm not going to leave this place without pizza!

She leaned forward and looked around, plotting deviously. There was a mini fridge beneath the counter, but it was padlocked. There was a door, closed but no padlock. It could be a storeroom, she could grab a bite and run…NO, she wasn't going to steal! Sure she could probably make it, the advantages of being tall and a member of the cross-country team were on her side, but she didn't have to steal. The door could lead to an office, there could be someone else here, it wasn't too late at night.

"Hey, is there anyone else back there?' she yelled.

"There's no one else, stop yelling." Wolf fur guy had finally said more than two syllables, and irately, too.

"Hey is anyone th-…"

"Stop Yelling." He moved around the counter, and chastity pushed down and took this opportunity to swing herself over the counter, hoping to take the guy by surprise.

She didn't. He leapt over the counter with inhumane speed. As Chastity reached out and grasped the door handle he pulled her leg sharply and she came tumbling down and the door swung open.

It was a freezer room. And someone was there.

Sitting down on a chair with a deer in his lap. Its eye's were darting wildly, with its drooping tongue and blood flowing from its neck. There were blood stains on his shirt.

And his mouth.

Everything went black.

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so did you like it?** please review, your comments help keep me sane.** As for that most people ask for x amount of reviews before they post new chapters , but my plot bunnies are chaotic and unpredictable, so ill post the next chapters whenever i'm done with them.

**oh yeah, i'd like to thank eddy my roommate/editor for his help, scott for listening to my crazy rambling ideas and brent for the advice. and my insane cousin jazziesxXxbabe for getting my on to fanfic in the first place.**


	2. Theres No Home For You Here

Chastity's mind swam like a dream before waking.

"Damn it, Mund!" she could hear faint voices "she saw me! Doing You-Know-what!

The distant voice was sharp but somehow pleasant.

She smiled and slept some more.

Cold Hands!

Were on her throat in the form of two icy fingers checking her pulse, which were so cold they almost burned. The fingers led up to a guy kneeling beside her. Loose strands of black hair hung past his eyes, which were a venomous green.

Chastity was smitten.

"Mund, she's awake!" he called to the blue-headed pizza-hoarding fiend who leaned against the wall behind him, hands in pockets.

Chastity watched his lips trace the words, as love-struck as ever, lips that were so …. red.

Blood, she thought, recalling the bleeding deer.

This meant only one thing, one thing she had been preparing for her whole life, whenever she had stayed up till the depths of night reading Anne Rice and R.L Stine by torchlight, whenever she had camped out at the old movie theater to watch _Attack of the Lipstick Wearing Bloodsuckers_ for the 100th time and whenever she looked at the posters of Christopher Lee* in various stages of shirtlessness that she hid underneath her bed.

She surged with fangirlish delight, and pulled herself off the floor.

"You're vampires!" she squealed.

Major revelation, but the blue-wolf-fur-guy just smiled a devious little grin.

"No, were not!" replied the other one, Him (for chastity was way up infatuation alley), touchily like she had just struck a nerve.

Like how a magnet always points north, chastity knew that they were vampires, she could feel it. She dreamt of this kind of stuff.

"Yes you are, you were biting a deer's neck." She had to know what would happen now; denial didn't stand a chance of stopping her.

'Look, I could've been saving its life or... but that's not the point, the effing point is that you're still here, raving about us being vampires, and I don't want you to.'

'Wait, you want me to leave?'

'Yes, and if you don't I will snap your spine so fucking thorough you'll spend the rest of your damn life as a xylophone' he snarled, he truly snarled, a low bestial growl following his words.

_Oh shit._

People aren't usually this pissed when I say something … well, creepy but this wasn't creepy because they _are _vampires,they really are vampires and…

and…

_Oh shit,_

_I've just messed up,_

_been rejected by total strangers (_albeit one devilishly handsome one)

_and I really don't want to be a xylophone._

Chastity sadly turned around while this edgy stranger stared as she left, his teeth gritted, for there are people who look both deeply sad and strangely beautiful when their backs are turned, and for a moment chastity was one of them.

He watched her until she was past the glass door, and when turning to go deeper into the inner parts of the pizzeria once again, he didn't to notice that Edmund (for that was Blue-wolf-fur guy's name) was no longer there.

Because Edmund had finally found someone to play with.


End file.
